I can’t wait to have money on a pile of sex
all two of you…
The amount of hair I lose in the shower really concerns me
Thug life? More like hug life, come ere
Why did the emo chicken cross the road?
Why do you care, you wouldn’t understand it
the worst std is children
legs so soft you can’t believe it’s not butter
I love walking on the beach with my boyfriend.
Until the LSD wears off and I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park
Does anyone else go on Wikipedia to look something up and then click on a bunch of random links and then half an hour later you’re 10 articles deep into the inner workings of Vietnamese politics
please stop adding ‘there are two kinds of people’ and ‘that escalated quickly’ to text posts
there are two kinds of rapid escalation
well that peopled twicely
Second grade boy gives me two donuts.
Me: What are these for?
Boy: Oh, I just wanted to because… you’re my favorite counselor and stuff.
Sometimes I talk in song lyrics and my friends don’t even notice
Sometimes I talk in Mean Girls quotes and no one notices
Sometimes I talk and nobody notices
At first it was funny but then it got kind of sad…
Just like my social life.
“when one door closes, another one opens”
imagine how annoying it would be if that were true
you close the bathroom door to pee and your front door suddenly blows open
your cat escapes
you run out and jump into the car to chase the cat and hear everything falling out of your over-stuffed pantry as its door unlatches
my motto is “you’re always the cutest person in the room when you’re the only person in the room”
what if ducks threw bread back at you
Why is a hotdog called a hotdog?
Because it is sexy.
Don’t you hate it when people are talking and they say something stupid so you just give a look like you’re looking into a camera on The Office